Dirty Professor Page 19

  He sounded angry, and that caused me to open my eyes and look at him. He was angry, but also sad. There were a lot of emotions on his face, many I couldn't discern.

  “I don't know, Reese,” I said. “I don't want to sound mean, but I hardly know you, honestly.”

  “I know,” he said with a sigh. He sat down at the kitchen table, wringing his hands as he stared off into space. “It's just... wow. I'm a father. I wasn't expecting this, at all –”

  My bottom lip trembled and I started shaking – the sobs came shortly after. I tried so hard to hold it in, but I'd been holding it in for far too long and it all came rushing out at once. I broke down, falling to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest as I just let it all out.

  I was so tired of being alone, of doing this all by myself. Of keeping all of this to myself for so long. It was almost a relief, in some ways, to tell Reese the truth. At least now, it was no longer a secret. Not something I had to fear getting out there and getting back to him somehow. Because it was out there now. And now, he knew. What he chose to do now was up to him. I was already used to being a single mother, so if he decided to bail, that wasn't going to be new to me. And there was no way he'd take my son from me, no court in their right mind would give custody to him like that.

  Yet, I still cried.

  Reese got up from the table and joined me on the floor, pulling my face from my hands, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

  “Maya, please, listen to me,” he whispered. “I want to be a part of his life. I want to see my son, to help you raise him. It's gonna take me a minute to figure it all out, but you're no longer alone.”

  It was as if he'd read my mind and knew how to speak to my heart. He said the words I so badly needed to hear, but the problem was, I didn't know if I believed him.

  “Are you sure? Because I can't have you in his life now, then a year down the road you're gone – off to somewhere new and exciting. I can't have his heart broken like that. I won't.”

  Like mine had been, but I didn't say that. No, I didn't need to say that. Couldn't. Because it wasn't about me. It was about Eli now.

  “Yes, yes, I'm sure,” Reese said, holding my hands in his. “I promise you, Maya. I will be the best father I can be for that boy. I may not be perfect, but he's my kid and I'll do my best.”

  I wanted to believe him. Oh, God, I so badly wanted to believe him, but until I saw it with my own two eyes, I wasn't sure I could.

  But he deserved to know his son, and his son deserved to know his father.

  “Okay,” I said. “Okay. But just know – if you ever hurt our child in any way, I will kill you. That's a promise, Reese. Nothing in this world matters more than him. Nothing.”

  We set up a time for Reese to meet Eli in a more personal setting – well away from my parents' house. We'd agreed to not tell anyone – including Eli – that Reese was his dad until after they became more comfortable with one another. It just made sense to ease into it. My family didn't need their nose in our business and I knew Luke would only make things more stressful. There were no rushing things with Reese and Eli. Slow and steady. That way if Reese bolted, my son wouldn't have to know anything.

  Not that I told Reese my reasoning. He didn't need know how much I didn't trust him.

  For our first meeting, Reese came over to my place to visit for a bit. Just the three of us. I expected things to be awkward. I mean, except for the night I slept with him, we didn't really have much history together. We didn't seem to have much in common. And suddenly we'd be together with our son and I'd have to make conversation. What in the hell were we going to talk about?

  My heart stuttered in my chest when Reese knocked on the door – right on time. Which was a surprise for me. As I opened it and let him in, he looked around, nodding.

  “Nice place,” he said.

  “Thanks. It's a bit small, but it'll do for us, for now.”

  I didn't mention that my parents paid half my rent, just so I could provide a nice home for our son. I couldn't afford to pay for everything, not on my own. Not yet, at least. I'd told them we could rent an apartment, but they insisted on helping. Because of their help, we were able to get a small two-bedroom house down the street from them. And for that, I was more thankful than I could say.

  Eli was on the floor watching cartoons when Reese came in. He looked up at Reese, but didn't pay much attention and turned back to the television. He looked up again when I turned the TV off though.

  He started to cry, his little lip trembling as I turned off his favorite show.

  “We'll watch it later, bub,” I said. “I want you to meet someone right now.”

  Reese just stood there and stared, almost like he was still in shock about the fact that this was his child. Eli was still upset about me turning off his favorite show, whining at me to turn it back on. I walked over and sat on the floor with him and looked up at Reese, inviting him to join us.

  He did, after a few moments, but I could tell he wasn't comfortable. Not that I could blame him. It's not like he had time to really prepare for this. One day he was a bachelor, living on his own, and the next he was the father of a toddler. I was sure it had to be completely overwhelming.

  “Hey there, Eli,” Reese said. “I'm Reese.”

  Eli just stared blankly at him.

  “I'm sorry. He's a little shy with –” I almost said strangers, but stopped myself in the nick of time, “new people.”

  “I understand. I am too,” Reese said with a smile.

  “No, you're not,” I said with a dry laugh. “You're the most social person I know.”

  “Oh yeah? Says the girl who hardly knows me.”

  He laughed, and it sounded sincere, but the plug about barely knowing him hurt. It reminded me yet again that I didn't know the father of my son, not very well, at least. And that hurt. Reese must have noticed the hurt on my face, because he followed it up by giving me a smile and a gentle squeeze on the shoulder.

  “I'm sorry, Maya. I didn't mean to –”

  “No, it's fine,” I said. I let out a deep sigh. “This is certainly going to take some getting used to, isn't it?”

  “You can say that again,” he said. He smiled at me though, and I felt a smile touching my lips as well.

  ooo000ooo

  Reese stuck around until it was time to put Eli to bed, and he asked to help with that. Slowly, over the course of the day, Eli had started warming up to him.

  “Read me a story, please?” Eli asked, putting a book into Reese's lap.

  He stared up at his dad with those same dark eyes, and I could see Reese turning to putty right on the spot. It was funny to me – this big baller, this supposed hard man with a ton of street cred – turning to jelly in the face of one small child.

  “Uhh yeah, sure thing, little guy,” he said, picking up the book.

  I was standing in the doorway – keeping my distance to let them have their time together – and I couldn't help but smile. It was sweet seeing this former bad boy adjusting to life as a father. He was trying, I had to give him credit for that.

  I walked over to tuck Eli into bed, and I turned on the night light while Reese read from the book. For a moment, I had to admit, this was nice. Up until that point, I was the one who did everything. I was the caretaker, the story reader, the nurse, the cook, everything. But for a brief moment, I could step back and let someone else take over for me.

  Married couples had it good, I thought.

  “Another story, please?” Eli asked as soon as the first one was finished.

  Reese seemed perfectly happy to be doing what he was doing, but I almost stopped him. It was getting late, but I decided to let it go. A small smile touched Reese's lips as he read, so I decided to leave them alone and stepped out, just into the living room where I could still hear everything that was going on. My eyes were heavy with exhaustion though, and I fought to keep from falling asleep. It wasn't even nine yet, but after working all day and then being a mother to my son a
ll evening, I was worn out.

  I drifted off to sleep, and only woke up when I heard Eli's bedroom door close softly. My eyes opened wide, as I expected my son to be standing there looking at me, but it was just Reese.

  “He finally fell asleep,” he said softly.

  “That makes two of us,” I said with a laugh.

  I expected Reese to hit the road, but he sat down in the chair across from me as if he wanted to talk. Or maybe he felt obligated, I didn't know. I didn't want him to think I expected anything from him. Honestly, I expected nothing from him, so anything I did get was a bonus at that point.

  “Why didn't you tell me, Maya?”

  Oh. He wanted to talk about that.

  “How could I? You were in LA, I had no way of reaching you, even if I'd wanted to,” I said.

  “Luke had my number. You could have called. You should have called.”

  “And say what? 'Hey, remember me? I'm that girl you fucked that one night? Well guess what, I'm pregnant.' and besides, I didn't want Luke to get involved. He's an asshole.”

  “He kinda is, isn't he?”

  We both laughed at the same time. It felt good to laugh, honestly. After all the tension and stress about Reese's sudden appearance back into my life, I had to admit, it had gone pretty well.

  “Major prick,” I said, smiling when I said it. “But he's your best friend, so I shouldn't –”

  “Was my best friend,” Reese said. “But we've changed. He still acts like he's sixteen, which was fine a few years ago, but now – hell, maybe it's because I'm a dad now, but I just can't see myself hanging out with the likes of him anymore. We just don't have anything in common. I've moved forward and he seems to have stayed in place.”

  All of this was news to me. And it struck me as a little bit – contrived. Or at least, naïve.

  “So you're a dad and suddenly you want to change who you are overnight?” I said. “Please, it doesn't happen that way.”

  “Maybe I changed before I found out, Maya. This just makes me even more determined to clean up my life and figure out what the hell I'm going to do now. For him, you know? For him. For Eli.”

  It was a nice thought. Really, it was. But I was still being that naive girl who thought Reese was amazing, when in actuality, he was nothing more than a bad boy who'd been a childhood crush. I didn't want to get my hopes up. These were all words. Words meant nothing if he took off next week.

  I didn't know why, but there was some small part of me that wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  “I appreciate that, Reese,” I said softly.

  The tears welled up in my eyes, but this time, they were tears of happiness. My son was my entire world, and everything I did was for him. I was even letting Reese into my life – for him. Not for me. Not even for Reese. But for Eli.

  “I know you do, Maya,” he said. “And I'm sorry you've had to raise him by yourself for so long. I'm sorry you had to put your dreams on hold for something that happened one night, all those years ago –”

  “My dreams aren't on hold, Reese. My dreams have merely changed. And Eli is my world now, everything I want in life revolves around him. So, don't think I regret it, not even for a minute, because I don't.”

  “You're a good mom, Maya,” he said, staring me dead in the eyes. “Just know though, from this day forward, you're not going to have to do this alone.”

  I hope not, I thought to myself. I really, really hope not.

  Reese and I worked out an arrangement – he came over a few times a week to spend time with Eli. And eventually, I let Reese take his son to the park and out on trips, just the two of them. I knew the day was coming where he'd want to tell Eli the truth about who he was, and I knew I needed to break the news to my family too. But I kept pushing it off. Part of me was just waiting for something to happen and for Reese to disappear. And the other part of me was just plain terrified to do it.

  But the fear of him bolting was diminishing day by day. It didn't scare me as much now that we'd been doing this for a few months. I was slowly starting to believe that this was real. That Reese was going to be a permanent part of Eli's life.

  But I was still afraid of how my parents would react when I told them who Eli's father was. I'd lied to them about the father of their grandson, acted like I had no clue where to find him all these years. When all along, I knew.

  I knew because it had to be Reese. He was my first, and at that time, my only.

  And the day would come that I'd have to admit that to everyone, Eli included.

  And one evening, after Reese dropped Eli off, he stuck around until we put our son to bed, together. It was something that was becoming more and more common and something I was beginning to enjoy. I could tell there was something on his mind though, and I prepared myself for the talk I'd been dreading since I told Reese about his son.

  As Reese closed the door to Eli's bedroom, he smiled at me. “Asleep at last.”

  “You spoil him, you know? I only read him one book, then it's off to sleep.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he said, sitting down on the couch beside me instead of across from me. “But I can't help it. When he asks, it's so hard for me to say no.”

  “Oh trust me, I know,” I said.

  “I know you do,” he said. “I really can't say it enough, Maya, but thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For being amazing. Seriously, I couldn't ask for a better mother for my kid.”

  I could feel myself blushing, my cheeks were literally on fire. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, but Reese surprised me by reaching out and lifting my face up to look him in the eyes.

  “Thank you, Reese,” I said, my voice soft. “I just love that little guy. More than life itself.”

  “I know you do, Maya. And I love him too.”

  I stared into his eyes and knew he meant it. He meant every word he was saying.

  He continued, “And I think I may be falling in love with you too.”

  My heart stopped. Everything stopped. It was like time was standing still as I looked at Reese, trying to figure out if I'd heard him correctly. No way. No way did I hear him right.

  “What?” I finally asked, shaking my head as if trying to wake myself from a dream. “I missed that. What did you say?”

  “I said I think I'm falling in love with you too,” he said, speaking louder this time. He looked so sure of himself, as if he'd known for a while now, but it was a surprise to me. “Seeing you with Eli, watching you with our son, it made me see what an amazing woman you are. So, strong, so loving, so beautiful... I just can't –”

  Before he could say another word, I kissed him – which surprised us both. His lips felt as nice as they had all those years before, and when his tongue pushed past my lips and into my mouth, it took my breath away – just like it had before.

  As hard as it was, I pulled away.

  “Stop,” I said, putting my hand on his chest to keep us apart. “We can't do this.”

  “You're the one who kissed me,” he said with a smile.

  “I know, I'm mainly talking to myself right now.”

  Deep breaths, Maya. Deep breaths. I had to step away. I couldn't let my childhood crush get the better of me, not when there was a child in the middle of all this. Reese reached out and stroked my cheek, and I so badly wanted to lean into that touch, but I stayed strong.

  “We can't do this, Reese,” I said again. “You, me, it's not going to work.”

  “And why not? I mean, we already have a kid together, why can't you and I be together like that? For real?”

  “For real? As in girlfriend and boyfriend?” I scoffed. “Because what happens if we break up? What happens if things go south? Right now, we have a nice arrangement that works. We're civil, we get along well enough, we don't hate each other's guts, but what happens if we do this and then it doesn't work out –”

  “But what if it does, Maya?” Reese asked. “What if it works out and we get married, and
Eli gets the family he deserves?”

  “Get married?” I almost couldn't believe I was hearing this from his mouth. I stood up from the couch and paced the room, trying to collect my thoughts – which was a lot like herding cats at that point. “Whoa, I can't even believe you're talking like this. Not that I oppose the idea, in the future of course, but just because we have a kid together doesn't mean we'll make a happy family. That's not how this works, Reese. It's not that simple.”

  “And why can't it be?” Reese stood up as well, walking over, putting his hands on my shoulders and stopping me from pacing the room once more.

  “Because – well, because –”

  “Because – I'm me? Because I'm a loser like your brother?”

  “No, that's not what I meant! You're nothing like him. You're –” I stammered, trying to find the words.

  “I'm what, Maya?” Reese asked, raising his voice.

  “You're better than him. You've always been better than him. It's just – I don't want you to be with me just for Eli. Or because you think you're doing the right thing and feel obligated. We don't have to force anything, Reese.”

  “I'm not forcing anything, Maya. I care about you; I think you're amazing and I want to make this work. I mean it.”

  Reese was still holding onto my arm, but he loosened his grip. I could walk away if I wanted to. I could tell him to get lost if I wanted to. But I wanted neither of those things. Truth be told, what I wanted in that moment was him. It was stupid and selfish and childish, but I wanted to be with him again. This time, for real.

  After several moments of silence, I looked into his eyes and say the truth in his words. It put cracks in the walls of my fear and insecurity. And those cracks in my walls finally let me speak.

  “I want that too,” I said softly. “I do.”

  “Then let's do it, Maya. Let's try it,” Reese said. “Let's make this work.”

  He pulled me into him and held me close, my head resting on his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head as he spoke.

  “Back then, I was a stupid kid,” he started. “But my time in LA forced me to grow up, forced me to see that I couldn't keep living like that. I realized that I needed to get my life together or else I'd end up on the streets one day. And that's why I came back here. I didn't expect to find you or Eli or any of this, but honestly, it's exactly what I needed right now. I need you in my life, Maya. I want you in my life. And not just because you're the mother of my child, but because you're good for me. You make me want to be a better man.”