Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4) Read online

  Secret Desires

  Mia Ford

  Copyright © 2019 by Mia Ford

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This book is a piece of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people.

  If you are reading this book and book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it to the seller and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

  Published: Mia Ford 2019

  [email protected]

  Created with Vellum

  Contents

  Author’s Note

  Blurb

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Epilogue

  Excerpt

  Author’s Note

  Stay connected with Mia Ford

  Also by Mia Ford

  Author’s Note

  Secret Desires is a full-length standalone novel. At the end, I’ve included an excerpt from my Amazon TOP 100 Book Secrets & Lies.

  Secret Desires concludes at around 90% on your device.

  Happy Reading!

  XO, Mia Ford

  Blurb

  I want my best friend to raise my daughter!

  Georgia would make the perfect mother for Peggy.

  My life has been messy since my ex-wife left.

  And Georgia is with me every step of the way.

  She’s all I have.

  Her soft skin intoxicates me.

  I can’t ruin our friendship by trying to claim her.

  I can’t be that selfish.

  Especially since my ex-wife has returned.

  She’s threatening to take Peggy away.

  Abandoning Georgia is the only way out of this mess.

  What will I do if I have to choose between her and my daughter?

  Chapter One

  Georgia

  I blink awake groggily, staring upwards. For a moment, I can’t comprehend why two grinning faces, one young female and one older male, are staring down at me, and I frown at them, yawning as I slowly wake up.

  Then memory hits and I gasp as my eyes fly open. I fell asleep on the couch!

  “Ethan!” I say. “You’re home!”

  “Yeah,” Ethan Howard says with a grin, sitting back. Beside me, Lily, her hair as black as her father’s, blinks her twinkling green eyes awake and yawns widely. “Sorry I’m home so late.”

  “No, it’s fine,” I say instantly, shaking my head. He’s staring at me with his warm blue eyes, and they turn my insides to mush, as they always do. I would do anything for this man. I glance at Lily. “Looks like both Lily and I needed the sleep.”

  Lily huffs and closes her eyes again, snuggling against my side. I hear the telltale click of a camera and I raise an eyebrow at Ethan just as he tucks his phone away, pretending innocence. Ethan has so many photo albums of Lily after ten years that the poor girl’s going to need an entire room to store them when she eventually leaves home.

  “What time is it?” I ask with a yawn, moving carefully and laying Lily down on the couch.

  “Midnight,” Ethan says, moving back so I can stand. “The television was still on when I came in, and the two of you were lying there.”

  “It isn’t the first time we’ve fallen asleep while watching a movie,” I say, amused.

  “I have the pictures to prove it,” Ethan agrees with a quiet laugh. “I’ll take her to bed.”

  He reaches out and carefully pulls his daughter into his arms. She instantly turns toward him, her forehead pressed against the crook of his neck, and a small, fond smile curves at Ethan’s lips. There’s so much love in his eyes that my heart aches.

  Then he disappears down the hall and I draw in a deep breath, closing my eyes.

  Ethan and I have been friends since we were children. There are pictures that Ethan’s father liked to show, of the two of us throwing sand at each other, when he was twelve and I was only eight, giggling madly. Our parents, who worked at the same company, introduced us to each other at a business picnic. From then, at almost every moment of my life, from school to graduation, to my first relationships, to getting my first job, Ethan has been by my side.

  Once upon a time, when I didn’t know any better, I staunchly pretended that Ethan was my older brother figure. By the time I was fifteen, I had worked out that the feelings I had for Ethan were not sisterly at all.

  Which started my downhill slide into being hopelessly, obviously in love with my infuriatingly oblivious best friend.

  “Georgia?”

  I look up and smile at Ethan as he returns, Lily down in her bed. He looks more relaxed than he did when he left, as I had hoped; I make it a point of coming by at least once a week to forcibly babysit for him for a few hours so that he has the chance to go out for a little while.

  “Thanks,” Ethan says, heartfelt, and I almost wish that he wouldn’t say anything else. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “Go mad,” I joke with practiced ease, grinning at him.

  Ethan gives me a soft, fond smile that breaks my heart. I’ve known Ethan for twenty years, and not once has he ever looked at me as more than just a friend. Other than…

  I shook the thought out of my mind. I swore I would never think about that.

  “It’s late,” Ethan says, and I know what he’s about to offer before the words leave his mouth. We’ve done this too many times. “Do you want to stay in the guest room?”

  I should say no. I should go home to my bed, curl up and get myself under control before the next time I see Ethan. Being around him these days is almost a special form of torture, but I just can’t seem to stop drifting toward him.

  “Sure,” I say with a smile.

  Ethan flashes me a grin.

  “You know where the towels are,” he says as he heads toward his own room.

  I just laugh. Of course I know where the towels are. I know where everything in the apartment is. After all, I helped Ethan unpack most of it when he first moved in.

  The guest room is right beside Lily’s room. I peek in at the girl’s room, taking in the clutter of toys on the floor, and smile at seeing the ten-year-old girl curled up under the covers, sound asleep. She pouts in the morning about missing the end of the movie, or not seeing her father when he gets home.

  Then I head into the guest room. It isn’t even much of a guest room; so many of my belongings are strewn around it that it might as well be mine, since I’m the only one
who uses it on a regular basis. I flick the lamp on beside the table and look around.

  This is the sum total of my life. A guest bedroom in a home I sit on the edge of, beside a man who will never love me. Why do I do this to myself?

  I turn away determinedly and get dressed for bed. Sometimes, these moods hit me when I’m tired and not sure what I’m doing with my life, when I wonder if it would be easier to just leave Ethan and Lily behind and find my own happiness somewhere out there.

  Then, in the morning, Ethan will smile at me, or Lily will excitedly ask me about the newest news story I’m working on, and I’ll forget why I wanted to walk away in the first place.

  I slide under the covers, roll over and close my eyes. Like always, things will look better in the morning.

  Of course, I dream.

  I know better than to allow my thoughts to lapse for even a moment back to that awful time ten years ago, when Ethan was a mess, Lily had only just been born and I had no idea what to do about any of it. When I relax, I remember how terrible everything was.

  And I remember what I gained…and lost.

  Ten years ago

  At first, everything feels disjointed and out of place. I remember holding Lily for the first time, Ethan flashing me a tired, strained smile that spoke of panic and confusion; he has no idea what to do with a child that was never planned. Somewhere in the background, I remember Polly, too, even more strained than Ethan; perhaps that should have told us, then, that she wasn’t going to last at this.

  Then there’s the day Polly left. It’s an ordinary day, and the phone call from Ethan interrupts me as I’m engrossed in a very good book. I couldn’t imagine what would happen next.

  “She’s gone!” Ethan tells me hysterically. In the background, Lily is crying. “She just left a note!”

  “She might be visiting some friends,” I remember suggesting calmly.

  “No…the note says she’s leaving!”

  Nothing seemed to make sense at all. Polly is gone? She abandoned Ethan and Lily? I never liked Polly, but that was more to do with my own jealousy than anything. Yet she’s just up and left?

  It didn’t make sense.

  Then there’s Ethan. Slowly, as the months pass, he looks more ragged, too exhausted to do more than collapse in bed at the end of the day, only to drag himself up again as Lily cries for attention. I do my best to help him, but it doesn’t feel enough.

  One particular moment stands out. Polly has been gone nine months at this point. The memory flashes through my mind and lingers. Ethan is standing on my doorstep. It’s raining outside. Lily is clutched in my arms.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he says, and he’s crying. I’m crying with him, and Lily is fussing in his arms. “Please help.”

  He’s trying so hard, but he just can’t do it anymore. He’s at the end of his rope. I shove the memory away. It’s the lowest moment I’ve ever seen him at. I’m so afraid for him.

  And then…there’s that fateful day, one year after Polly leaves. The memories pause and then settle, throwing the world into sharp clarity as I open the door for Ethan once more, this time no Lily in sight, his shoulders slumped and his clothes hanging off him.

  I look at Ethan’s bloodshot eyes and I sigh, stepping aside.

  “Come in,” I say gently.

  The man looks like he’s about to cry as he scurries past me. I feel a flash of anger. Ethan has always been proud and confident, but the last year has torn all that away from him.

  “Are you okay?” I ask as I lead him to my living room.

  He collapses on the couch.

  “What do I do, Georgia?” he asks desperately.

  I was expecting that question. He’s asked the same thing several times over the last year, each time more urgently than the last. I wish I knew what to tell him.

  “I don’t know, Ethan,” I say dutifully, as I do every time. “What do you want to do?”

  “I want to find her!” Ethan says, suddenly flaring up, but I don’t even twitch. He slumps back, momentary fire gone. “No one’s telling me anything.”

  I reach out and rub his back soothingly. It’s the same pattern, always, ever since Polly Truman left him one year ago. I wish I knew what to say to him, but her disappearance was as sudden to me as it was to Ethan. As far as I knew, Ethan and Polly were very much in love, both before and after Polly’s pregnancy.

  Then little Lily was born and, three weeks later, Polly packed up and left, abandoning her boyfriend and daughter.

  “She probably just wasn’t ready to have children,” I say. It’s a poor excuse, but it’s all I have. “Though she should have said something.”

  I wish Ethan would be angry at Polly. More than once, I’ve had to hold my tongue from saying something less-than-nice about the woman, but Ethan won’t hear a word against her. He’s angry at her family who won’t tell him where Polly is. He’s angry at the situation that led to Polly leaving him. On occasion, he’s even angry at me, for being there when Polly isn’t. But he hasn’t yet gotten to the stage of being angry at the woman he loved so dearly.

  Ethan sighs and slumps down on my shoulder. I try not to freeze at the feeling of his breath against my neck, but it’s hard when he’s so close. I push away my own feelings and gently run my hand through his shaggy hair, as he used to do for me when we were children.

  “That’s nice,” Ethan murmurs.

  He scoots in closer, his body pressed against mine. All my nerves are on edge and I feel like crying; Ethan has no idea what he does to me.

  “Where’s Lily?” I ask, trying to distract myself.

  “Mom has her,” Ethan sighs, his breath wisping against my over-sensitive skin. He pauses and then suddenly sits up, looking me dead in the eye. “Sorry… I didn’t even ask if you wanted me over tonight.”

  “It’s fine,” I assure him. This is different, and my heart unwillingly races at the intense look on his face. “You’re always welcome.”

  “Yeah, but you’ve been putting up with a lot lately,” Ethan argues. “I keep coming over and whining about Polly, and you’ve been helping me with Lily…”

  “As I said, it’s no problem,” I say firmly, putting my hand on his shoulder. “You and Polly were together for four years before this. I’m not surprised you’re a mess. I want to help you get back on your feet.” His face crumples. “Ethan?”

  “I’m not sure I will,” Ethan confesses. “It’s so hard; I keep expecting to wake up. I miss her so much but she isn’t there anymore. The loneliness is the hardest part, even with Lily.”

  I don’t like that. I’m here, and I always will be. I turn to face Ethan and grip both his shoulders in hard hands. He looks at me in surprise.

  “You’ll never be lonely,” I swear. “Not as long as I’m around.”

  It’s too much, I know. The desperate love I feel for Ethan leaks into my words, and his eyes are searching mine, trying to figure out what has suddenly made me so intense. I stare back at him, willing him to understand how strong my feelings for him are; even if he never loves me the way I do him, he’ll always have a place in my heart.

  I think I move first. The moment is too perfect, too overwhelming, and I can’t help myself. Ethan’s sad eyes are breaking my heart, and I want him to know that he is loved, no matter what. When I realize what I’m doing, my lips are already pressed to his.

  It should have ended there. But Ethan was lonely and he needed to know that there was someone out there for him right now. His hand rises and tangles in my dark curls, pushing closer into the kiss as his mouth opens, touching his tongue to mine. Any panicked thoughts I might have had about pulling away before this gets any more awkward immediately disappear.

  I’m not going to pull away from this, not when, for whatever reason, I’m finally getting something I’ve only dreamed about for years. Ethan’s hands are on me, his lips are crashing against mine and it awakes a strong, fervent lust within me, one that I’ve spent so long stamping down on.

&nb
sp; I half expect him to pull away and apologize. But he doesn’t. Instead, Ethan’s hands tighten in my hair, and the kiss becomes harder, more desperate. I kiss back with equal fervor and my hands find his shirt, scrabbling at it as I force it up over his abdomen so that I can touch more of him.

  At this moment, things like Polly and Lily and what will happen next don’t matter anymore. It’s just Ethan and me, sitting on this couch, our world narrowed down to only each other.

  Finally, we pull away, needing to breathe. I take in huge gulps of air, and a tiny bit of logic finally wriggles into my mind. What the hell am I doing?

  “Ethan,” I pant.

  Ethan ignores me, lowering his head to press kisses against my neck, his stubble, which he hasn’t bothered to shave for some time, scratching against my skin. His tongue flicks out and licks my pulse, and my entire body shudders. I struggle to rein in my thoughts.

  “Ethan, stop,” I try again.

  But there’s no conviction in my voice. I don’t want Ethan to stop, not now. Part of me knows that we need to stop, because this could ruin everything for me. Ethan doesn’t love me, he doesn’t even want me. He’s just lonely and desperate and needing the physical comfort that I’m all too willing to give him.

  I know all this. But the larger part of me, the part that longs and hopes and futilely dreams, doesn’t really care.